Amber Brown Is Green with Envy Read online

  AMBER BROWN

  IS GREEN WITH ENVY

  Other Amber Brown books by Paula Danziger

  Amber Brown Is Not a Crayon

  You Can’t Eat Your Chicken Pox, Amber Brown

  Amber Brown Goes Fourth

  Amber Brown Wants Extra Credit

  Forever Amber Brown

  Amber Brown Sees Red

  Amber Brown Is Feeling Blue

  I, Amber Brown

  Paula Danziger

  AMBER BROWN

  IS GREEN WITH ENVY

  Illustrated by Tony Ross

  G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS NEW YORK

  Text copyright © 2003 by Paula Danziger.

  Illustrations copyright © 2003 by Tony Ross.

  All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced

  in any form without permission in writing from the publisher,

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group,

  345 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014.

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons, Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

  Published simultaneously in Canada.

  The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet

  or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal

  and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions,

  and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

  Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

  Designed by Gina DiMassi. Text set in Bembo.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Danziger, Paula, 1944-

  Amber Brown is green with envy / Paula Danziger;

  illustrated by Tony Ross. p. cm. Summary: Fourth-grader Amber Brown

  must make some important decisions when her mother and Max

  move their wedding date up and prepare to buy a house together,

  while her father makes some bad choices of his own.

  [1. Fathers and daughters—Fiction. 2. Mothers and daughters—Fiction.

  3. Divorce—Fiction. 4. Custody of children—Fiction.

  5. Moving, Household—Fiction. 6. Family life—New Jersey—Fiction.]

  I. Ross, Tony, ill. II. Title. PZ7.D2394Ip 2003 [Fic]—dc21 2003000127

  ISBN: 978-1-101-65719-5

  To Sarah Greene,

  A Most Colorful Friend…….

  and because she is English, she is also

  A Most Colourful Friend!

  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter

  One

  I, Amber Brown, have had enough. “Dylan Marshall, you are driving me crazy.”

  Dylan looks at me and smiles. Then he pretends to be guiding a steering wheel. “Vrroooooom. Vrooooooooom. Zoom.”

  His older sister, Polly, looks up from the book she is reading. “Dylan, you are so immature.”

  “Thank you.” He bows to her.

  She sighs and goes back to her book.

  Before my dad rented the downstairs half of their house, I used to think that Dylan was one of the BIG kids, a sixth grader.

  Now I think that he’s just a BIG doofus.

  Dylan pretends to drive into his younger sister, Savannah.

  She ignores him.

  “Road pizza,” he yells, pretending to run over their cat, Mewkiss Membrain.

  “I’m going downstairs,” I announce.

  “You’re supposed to stay up here until THE DADS come back from getting the groceries,” Polly reminds me.

  I sit down and look at a magazine, thinking about how my life has changed in the last few months.

  THE DADS…my dad and their dad…if grown-ups can be best friends, I think that’s what they are becoming.

  My dad was not happy when he moved back from France.

  I, Amber Brown, think that he wanted to get back with my mom, but it’s too late…she’s going to marry Max.

  Dylan comes over and makes an armpit noise at me. “I’m bored.”

  “You’re boring.” I smile at him.

  “Thank you.” He makes a bow.

  Actually, I, Amber Brown, think that Dylan can be fun. But not today.

  Today he is driving me crazy.

  I’m staying at my father’s house for Christmas vacation. So my mom went to California to visit her sister, my aunt Pam. Dad wants me to call his house “our house,” but sometimes I forget because it doesn’t feel like our house yet. Actually, I spent Christmas Day and one day after that with Mom at her house, which I do think of as my house because I’ve lived there all my life.

  I, Amber’ Brown, have two houses because I, Amber Brown, am a shared-custody kid.

  It’s a little weird to live in two houses, especially since they are very different from each other.

  In the house where I live with my mom, it’s just me and Mom. Max visits a lot. It’s going to be a little weird when they get married, but since it’s only December and they’re not getting married until June, I’m not going to think much about it now.

  In this house, my dad rents the basement and first floor of the Marshalls’ house. There are four Marshalls who live upstairs….. The dad, Steve….. Polly, who is in high school….. Dylan and Savannah. Inside the house, we don’t keep the doors locked between the two places, so it’s almost like we are all living together. In fact, the dads got a sign for the front door that reads:

  I hope that Dad stays here. He’s made so many changes…. when he left our house, when he left the country, when he came back.

  He promised me that he’s not going to leave again.

  He didn’t promise me, though, that he would stay here forever.

  It’s not always easy being a shared-custody kid.

  Dylan looks under the Christmas tree. “Where did I put my new computer game?”

  He keeps searching, picks up a package and throws it to Savannah. “Catch.”

  It hits her on the foot.

  “Ow.” She glares at him.

  It’s the present that I gave her, a soap-making kit called Gross Soap.

  “Amber,” she says, “let’s make soap today.”

  I was hoping that she would make the soap soon, but my dad said that I should wait to see what she wanted to do, because it was her present….. not mine.

  I really wanted it for me, but my dad said that I had enough presents already. I gave it to Savannah so that maybe I could make the gross soap anyway.

  “There’s nothing else to do. So this is your lucky day. I’m going to make soap too,” Dylan says. “But first, I am going to get a snack.”

  He leaves the room.

  Polly looks up from her book. “Does anyone in this room want to play a joke on Dylan?”

  Savannah and I raise our hands.

  Chapter

  Two

  Savannah and I go over and sit on the couch in front of Polly.

  She smiles at us. “That boy is driving me crazy.”

  “Me too,” Savannah and I, Amber Brown, say at exactly the same time.

  We link pinkies.

  Polly says, “We have to talk quickly before Dylan gets back. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to tell a joke that makes absolutely no sense….. no sens
e at all…but when I get to the punch line, which is ‘No soap. Radio,’ you two are going to laugh a lot, and so will I. That will confuse Dylan.”

  I like that!

  Savannah says, “I don’t get it.”

  “Exactly,” Polly explains. “The joke doesn’t make any sense. Dylan will see us laugh and feel stupid that he doesn’t get it. Or he will laugh, and then he’ll feel stupid when we make fun of him for laughing at a joke that makes no sense.”

  She whispers, “When he hears the three of us laughing, he’s going to think that he’s missing something, and that will bother him. He’s such a know-it-all.”

  We all smile at each other.

  “Amber, when he comes in, tell a short joke. That way it will look like that’s what we’ve been doing while he was gone.” Polly looks at the doorway to see if he’s on his way. “Okay, now.”

  Dylan rushes in. “I made popcorn, but it’s just for me.”

  Sitting down, he shoves a huge handful of it in his mouth and goes, “Yum.”

  At least I think it’s “Yum,” because with the wad of popcorn in his mouth and the wet pieces spraying out, I’m not sure of the exact word.

  I turn back to Savannah and Polly.

  “What’s the longest word in the English language?” I ask, and then yell out loudly, “Smiles! Because there is a MILE between each S…. sMILEs.”

  “I EW AT.” More popcorn falls out of his mouth.

  “I have a great joke.” Polly leans forward.

  Savannah and I pretend to be excited.

  She leans down. “Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, ‘Pass the soap.’ The second one says, ‘No soap. Radio.’”

  Immediately Savannah and I look at each other and laugh….. and laugh….. and laugh.

  I start rolling around on the floor. “No soap. Radio.”

  Savannah rolls also. “No soap. Radio. That is so funny.”

  Polly says, “It’s the best joke I’ve heard in years.”

  I sneak a look at Dylan.

  He’s stopped guzzling popcorn into his mouth.

  He looks confused.

  Polly looks at him and then talks to him in that older-sister voice. “Dylan. Don’t you get it?”

  He just looks at her.

  She looks at him. “Dylan. Two polar bears. Bathtub. No soap. Radio. Savannah and Amber are younger than you….. and they get it.”

  I roll around some more. “No soap. Radio.”

  I sit up and try to catch my breath. “Dylan. Do you want me to explain it to you?”

  “No.” He looks annoyed. “You don’t have to. I get it. I just had too much popcorn in my mouth before. I get it. It’s very funny. No soap. Radio.”

  He laughs in a phony way.

  Polly, Savannah and I look at each other, clap our hands and laugh even more.

  “Sucker,” Savannah yells. “We fooled you. Fool. Fool. Fool.”

  Dylan looks at Savannah.

  Dylan looks at me.

  Then he looks at Polly and says, “What’s so funny?”

  “You are.” She smiles at him. “We got you. That really wasn’t a joke. We pretended it was, and you believed us.”

  “Funny. Funny. Funny.” Savannah rolls around the floor again.

  “Noooooooooooo soap. Radio,” I tease.

  “Girls,” he yells. “I hate girls. It was bad enough when I just had my two sisters here….. and now, you too, Amber Brown. It’s like I have three sisters. Ugh. Yug. Barf.”

  He stomps out of the room.

  We sit there quietly for a minute.

  “There’s nothing to do,” Savannah says. “That was fun. Now I’m bored.”

  “Maybe we should turn on some music,” Polly says.

  I shake my head. “No radio. Soap.”

  It is time to make soap.

  I just hope that Dylan doesn’t do something to get even.

  Chapter

  Three

  We’re in the kitchen. It’s Soap-Making Time.

  I wonder if the pioneers made soap the same way we will be making it.

  We’ve got everything out….. the Gross Soap kit, the molds and extra supplies that my dad and Steve bought for Savannah.

  Polly reads the instructions. “This looks simple enough. First melt the wax in a container.”

  I, Amber Brown, hold up a plastic measuring cup. “Container ready.”

  Polly continues. “Once it’s melted in the microwave, the wax is to go into the molds.”

  “Molds.” Savannah holds up some of the plastic molds.

  “Choose objects to put into the hot wax once it is in the molds.”

  “Gross stuff.” Savannah and I both hold up some of the creepy crawly things that came with the kit.

  She’s got a worm and a spider in her hands.

  I’ve got a beetle and a cockroach in mine.

  I’m glad that they are plastic.

  Polly laughs. “I’m putting in some of the other things that the dads bought.” She picks up a little rubber ducky and a mini mermaid.

  Somehow I don’t think that the pioneers made soap the way that we are.

  I don’t think that they had microwaves in their cabins.

  The phone rings. Polly rushes over to pick it up.

  I hope that it is Brenda, who is her best friend and my Ambersitter.

  It’s not.

  I can tell because Polly listens for a minute and then hangs up the phone without saying a word.

  She shakes her head. “It’s Dylan, trying to disguise his voice. He just asked if our refrigerator is running and if it is, he thinks that it’s running down the street.”

  The phone rings again.

  Polly answers it again.

  Again, she says nothing and just listens.

  Finally she says, “Yes…. I have seen a lamb chop, but not at a karate exhibit…. No, I have not seen salad dressing…. and trying on new clothes…. Dylan, would you just stop calling? If you want to make soap, come in now…and stop being such a Goofbrain.”

  “Doofus,” I say. “He’s a Doofus Goofbrain.”

  She hangs up and looks at us. “I’m going downstairs. I bet he’s using the phone in your house, Amber.”

  Polly leaves the kitchen.

  The phone rings again.

  I look at Savannah, who sighs.

  I make a face and pick it up. “That’s enough, you Doofusbrain. I don’t want you calling here anymore.”

  I stop to hear what Dylan has to say for himself.

  “Amber? What’s going on there?” It’s my mother’s voice.

  Oooooooops.

  “Hi, Mom,” I say. “Are you having fun with Aunt Pam in California?”

  “Yes,” she says, “a wonderful time…. BUT…have you been getting bad calls?”

  She sounds worried.

  “No, Mom,” I tell her. “Dylan’s just been calling and telling dumb jokes…. and he’s driving us crazy.”

  “Using your phone?” she asks.

  I nod.

  “Using your phone?” she repeats. “I tried calling there, but the line is busy.”

  I guess she didn’t hear my nod.

  “I guess,” I say. “Polly’s gone downstairs to check.”

  My mom knows about how it is here at “The Zoo.”

  One day, she brought me over to Dad’s house.

  She said that she just did it because she was running some errands in that neighborhood and it would save him the trip to pick me up.

  I know that she just did it so that she could check out what my other house was like.

  My dad knew too, I think, because he gave her a tour of the two places and introduced her to everyone.

  Now I think that she feels a little better about me being at Dad’s house. I mean Dad’s and my house.

  And she knows that it is okay to call the Marshalls’ number if no one answers Dad’s phone.

  “I just called to say hello,” she says. “I miss you lots.”
/>   “So you are having a wonderful time at Aunt Pam’s?” I ask.

  “I am,” she says. “Tomorrow we are going to Disneyland. I really wish that you could be with us….. but I know that you are having fun with your dad.”

  My mom. My aunt Pam. Disneyland. California.

  I feel bad that I am not there.

  I miss her.

  I miss seeing Max.

  I wonder if he is missing her.

  I wonder if he is missing me.

  “Amber,” Mom says, “I’ll be back in a few days and then you’ll be back home on New Year’s Day. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “I can’t wait to see you either,” I say.

  It’s weird. I didn’t think about missing my mom until she called.

  I haven’t felt too bad about her being in California and me staying in New Jersey…until now.

  Chapter

  Four

  I, Amber Brown, am now one unhappy Amber Brown. How dare they go to Disneyland without me?

  I don’t think that’s fair.

  I don’t think it’s fair that Mom told me that they were going without me.

  If I weren’t a shared-custody kid, I would be there right now with them.

  I’d be going to Disneyland.

  Dylan comes into the room, playing the accordion that his uncle Hugo sent him.

  The Marshalls’ uncle Hugo is always sending Dylan very loud instruments as presents.

  Steve says that his brother does that for all of the years of teasing that Steve did to Hugo when they were kids.

  I think about how Mom and Aunt Pam are in California and will be going to Disneyland and hanging out with Mickey Mouse and Goofy….. and how I’m here in New Jersey and hanging out with Dylan, who is acting very Mickey Mouse and Goofy…. with an accordion.

  I, Amber Brown, am green with envy.

  That’s what my parents say means “very jealous.”

  Well, I, Amber Brown, am green with envy.

  I am not only green….. I am feeling blue….. I am seeing red….. I am purple with anger….. I am not feeling like a rainbow. I am feeling plaid. All of these colors mix together to make a not very pretty pattern.